Happy new year, not a new year new me type of post but more a realistic saying it as it is post.
I look at these photos over the last 6 years and in each one I HATED something about me but in all of them there was something I liked. I think I will always wish I could change something. The white dress, I was the happiest I have been with my body since I was pregnant with Emily and the lowest weight I had been since I was 18. I hate that when I am pregnant and I have HG I lose weight and I feel so happy with how my body looks; Thinner extremities and small round baby bump belly. The blue dress I was still in the post HG body. It was squishier but still smaller than I was before (and I am now). I was 35/36 weeks in white dress and 5 weeks postpartum in blue.
Why do we put pressure on ourselves to look a certain way? I LOVED my pink hair. At home, in pictures, with my safe people it felt good BUT I hated how some people looked at me with it and how self conscious I felt at the school gates even though I had loads of people telling me that they loved it.
I want to do it again but I’m not in the ‘I don’t care’, ‘let them’, ‘doing it for me’ era that so many people seem to be into atm.
I am and probably will always be in a ‘need to hide’, ‘don’t fit in’, ‘no one likes me’ era. One day I might say fuck it but for now I will cower and deal with the self hatred. So here’s to 2024 where nothing will change. I have tried to change it since I was 13 and yet it never works, it brings with it eating disorders, self harm, self loathing, anxiety and all the other lovely stuff
